Well I did it. It’s the last day of the 30-day blogging challenge issued by my colleague Justin Shreve. Also, it is well worth your time to check out this WordPress.com news post to see what some of my other amazing colleagues blogged about during the past 30 days. I work with some really cool and interesting folks!!
The rest of this entry gets rather angsty, so be warned. You can just stop here if you’re not up to reading an anxiety-ridden rant. 🙂
Looking ahead, I’m happy and proud that I was able to blog again after a long period of not writing (years and years to be exact). However, I’m not happy with the quality of my posts this past month. I feel that they are shallow, fake, overall lacking in substance, and don’t really reflect me as a person. Not to mention the quality of my writing is elementary. I blame that on being out of practice after years of not writing. Reading all of my April posts over again, it feels like a “show and tell”. Oh look, here’s a photo of my cat. Oh look, here’s what I did today. Oh look, here’s yet another chorus song. Blah, blah, blah.
I was a much better and more raw blogger when I was younger. That’s because back in those days, the only person who read my posts was me (and a few online friends who I never actually met in person). So I could say whatever I wanted, without worrying about how I was coming across, and what people would think. This month I advertised every post on Twitter. Going forward, I’m no longer going to do that. When I know that there’s a possibility that people whom I admire and look up to may read what I write (that would be ALL of my colleagues), I clam up. I self-edit. I censor. I stifle myself. I don’t say what I want to say, or how I want to say it. And so I resort to posting things that don’t require much thought or don’t reflect the real me. My theory is that if I’m quieter about my blog and don’t put it out there as much, I’ll feel more confident about writing what I want, how I want it.
I’ll still be blogging, but probably not every day. I’m going to put a lot of thought into what I post, and will pay tons of attention to the quality of my writing so that it’s actually good (and I’m not embarrassed by it). I want to post about relevant issues in society, and my thoughts on those. I want to create things and share them. I want to write stories like I used to, and share those. I had planned to do all of that this month, but I failed.
I don’t mean to end the last day of the blogging challenge on such a negative note, but hey, it’s all about being raw now, is it? The REAL me is not sunshine and daisies. There are sunshine and daisy days, but there are also days like today when anxiety gets the better of me. Why am I anxious today? I’m super nervous about my upcoming trip to visit my father this weekend. I can hardly concentrate on anything else. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I haven’t seen my father since I was 2 years old. I have no memory of him at all. I’ll see him in person for the first time in 28 years this weekend, and I have no idea how it’s going to go. He says he’s nervous too. We’ve talked on the phone, we’ve texted, we’re both eager to meet (after communicating for the past 3 years), and we’re ready to play it by ear. But the nerves are killing me (probably killing him, too). I also don’t want to leave Harmony behind for a whole week. Every time I go on a trip I feel horribly guilty for leaving her behind. I have an amazing pet sitter who comes by twice a day and he always does a great job with her. But being the prolific worrier I am, I still get knots in my stomach. What if there’s an earthquake? A fire? Someone breaks in? She gets sick? There will be hours in which she’s a creature all alone in an apartment with no one there to help her if anything were to happen. I’m sure these worries are unfounded, but I have them all the same.
I think once I finally meet up with my father, all these nerves will go away. I hope!!
OK, I’m going to end here as this post got rather angsty. How old am I again? 15? I have dragon boat practice tonight, plus it’s a gorgeous sunny 86 degrees F out there. Looking forward to paddling away some of this pent up anxiety!
